Exodus 3:10-14; 4:1 "Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.” But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.” But Moses protested, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?” God replied to Moses, “I am who i am" ...But Moses protested again, “What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you’?”
I was going through some old writings and found this that I wrote back in January of 2014. It made my heart soften with remembrance and it amazed me that the Truth is still the Truth. Even two years later. I want to share it with you...
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1/11/14
Can I just say that I love worship practice. I'll say it again: I. LOVE. Worship practice. I love coming in when the sanctuary is quiet and dim, and I love the small talk as we set up, checking in with the worship crew. Getting started by praying over the sanctuary. Laughing when we totally screw up on a song and then trying again. Then watching as the inevitable happens - we forget we are in "practice" and we enter the Presence. I love these people. I love this music. I love my God. So worship practice is pretty much as close to heaven as I will ever get here on earth.
In practice, the lie of perfection is so quickly squelched. The masks are off. We are loved and accepted for who we are - just a bunch of imperfect people doing our best to praise a Perfect God. It's so beautiful. And the grace... Oh, the grace! The precious grace that is extended during these times. We accept the face that the Mommy is late because her kiddos were misbehaving (that would be me, usually.) That the guitar player is missing chord changes because he's had a really rough week at work. That sometimes the leader's voice cracks because we've sung a high riff twenty time in a row so we can get it right and his poor vocal chords are spent.
We can be ourselves. We can be vulnerable. We can be known. Our offerings are broken and messy, but there is beauty because they are pure.
I wish it felt like this on Sunday morning...
Why is it that when the lights come up and the pews are filled that I all of a sudden feel so inadequate? I mean, I know it's natural to be nervous in front of a crowd. But I think it's more than that for me. I've never minded speaking in front of a crowd. I think it's something else. Like I'm supposed to bring more to the mic than what I have within me.
Like I'm not enough.
A fellow worship buddy and I were talking today after practice about how he feels completely unqualified to fulfill the role he believes God has called him to. He wonders if somehow wires got crossed and God got the wrong guy. He even suggested another person to fulfill his role, sure that he was not enough for the task. I just hugged him. I wanted to remind him of Moses and his speech problem. Of Sarah and her barren womb. Of Rahab and her broken past.
...of Alyssa and her total lack of proper writing training... the fact that I feel like a fraud every time I sit down to write anything at all.
There are literally thousands of people out there, just in my lil' suburban community, who are way more qualified to do the thing that God is calling me to do. So many experienced writers, published authors, skilled theologians, who do so much better at this than a goofy, quirky, messed up mommy of two, knee deep in school art projects, LEGOs and peanut butter.
So I'm discussing this matter with Jesus as I leave the sanctuary. [Because I've been challenged. I've not just been to practice. I've been to church.] And it was one of those times when I could almost audibly hear the voice of Jesus in the room...
Lyssa... Your job is not to worry about the details or how everything will all fall together.
Your job is simple.
Trust and obey.
I thought about how I was going to try to tell my buddy that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness. That Jesus' power held Peter up in a stormy sea. All Peter had to do was take one step. Get out of the boat. That's it. That our job is to seek first the Kingdom and trust in the LORD with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding.
But the truth is... I needed to tell it to the mirror first.
The truth is, the longer I live the more I realize that nobody in the center of God's will feels equipped and worthy to do what God has called them to. And I think that's the point.
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Yep. Still there.
The scenery may change, but the road is the same.
Am I enough? Can I do this? The truth is no, I can't.
But that's the beauty of the whole mess. God take our crazy imperfections, our brokenness, our shame, our inadequacies, and makes amazing masterpieces.
And we look so much more beautiful when we are broken together.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
Can I challenge you?
Leave the mask in the parking lot. Bring your honest, broken self to worship tomorrow. Be real. Be you. I promise, you are not the only mess.
Because I'll be there, too.
Because I'll be there, too.
