West Side Story: November 2014

Do you ever witness something so amazing or have the Holy Spirit do something so beautiful in your heart that you're afraid to even put it into words because you're terrified you'll wreck it?

That's where I am.

I've started this entry over like ten times now. This is not like me. I'm pretty good with words. Well....at least I'm plentiful with words. But this is leaving me keyboard-tied. It's because I don't even know if I can do justice to what God has laid on my heart over the past few months.

Jesus is stringing together a precious theme through some courageous women in my life, and I feel so unworthy of what He is showing me. I don't know why He's chosen me...

But I must obey and try my best to share with you.

First off, I've lived life with some freakin' awesome women. I have made life-long friends and strengthened relationships with girls I have known since we were babies crawling around in the church nursery. My sophomore year in college was especially precious to me. I roomed with my best friend, I started to really come into my own, and then I got engaged! I have so many epic memories from my four years with these amazing Little Women! I remember we had a scripture theme for that sophomore year from Romans 12:1-2. I memorized it. We studied it. We sang songs, wore t-shirts, and created artistic banners throughout the dorm halls to remind ourselves that we are "living sacrifices." I had it down, man. I knew I was a living sacrifice for my Jesus and I couldn't wait to get out into the world and live the mission of Christ with these amazing Little Women of Faith.

Spoiler Alert: I. Had no. Idea.

Fast-forward about 15 years.

Thanks to social media, the Internets, and the Nazarene pipeline, I have kept in contact with a ton of these Little Women. But recently, something hit me like a tidal wave. It was a typical Sunday evening with our small group. One of my precious friends, Traci, stood up to read our scripture reference for the evening. Traci is a beautiful woman. A pastor's wife extraordinare. Gracious and kind. And a mother of two boys under five years old. And carrying her third. THREE BOYS. Bless. As she stood there, her toddler was hanging onto her knees and running around in circles. She was a human maypole, trying to hold her bible steady and balance her baby belly and out of her mouth came Romans 12:1-2...

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

WHOOSH!

Insert stifling sobs here. Watching this scene unfold, it was like Jesus was pulling a veil away from my eyes and gently whispering:

Princess... Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing. (Luke 4:21)

You see, over the past decade-and-a-half my girlfriends and I have journeyed through some pretty intense sh ... ahem, excuse me... stuff together.
Miscarriages.
Ectopic pregnancies.
High-risk pregnancies.
Infertility.
Still-births.
Children gone astray.
Husbands gone astray.
Cancelled adoptions.

The list goes on. I have had my share in this list, and I'm sure you have, too. And then Satan introduced the "C-word" to my Little Women ... and their children.
Breast, brain, ovarian, cervical, oh my.

Not. Cool.
You guys, it just plain sucks, doesn't it.

So far my standard reaction to any bad feels regarding these Trial of my Little Women (and also a certain stupid time-of-the-month that shall remain nameless) has been to shake my fist at the air and curse Eve. This has not been super fulfilling. Mostly it felt good to blame someone. But it's not helping at all anymore. Now it just feels empty and stupid.
Probably 'cause it is.

It's more than anger and grief. It's more than shock and sadness. My heart is just.... well it's somehow a mix between bursting apart with devastation and exploding with pride for my girlfriends. Over the past several years I've been watching these amazing Little Women endure some pretty terrible things.
No, terrible is not bad enough.
You guys... it's hell.
But the story doesn't end with them being helpless victims. People, they are fighting trials with grace, dignity, and HOPE. I'm blown away. This leaves me speechless most of the time. (Which is a big deal, because if you know me, well... yeah.) I think that's why it has been so tough for me to write about. It's hard to put into words the heroic strength, courage and inexplicable faith I'm seeing in the lives of the women around me.

Example #1: My friend who gave birth to twins recently. One alive, one with Jesus before she left the womb. I can't wrap my brain around this. She carried both to term. Was willing to experience the agony and grief alongside joy and delight.

Example #2: Witnessing my college girlfriend's adoption process fall apart at the last minute only to see she and her precious husband turn around and start the journey all over again, full of hope. Clinging to each other and their Jesus. Never giving up. I don't get how they did that.

Example #3: My dear friend, a mommy of two littles, posts a selfie on Instagram; her smiling face, full of joy, with thumbs up and chemo IVs in the background as she fights "The C-Word" and dressing up for Halloween as Wonder Woman. What. How. I'm....

And then Traci reads Romans 12:1-2.

This is HOLY GROUND. I am watching Romans 12:1-2 in the lives of EXTRAORDINARY Little Women around me. These Little Women are WARRIORS! And God brings me speechless to my knees, shoes off, face to the floor. There are countless stories out there like this.
Some end with Happily Ever After.
Some don't.
And still these Warriors soldier on.

I know that just because Jesus is in the lives of us Little Women does not mean we get to understand and know why. But I am convinced that His Spirit and His Power does some unexplainable things in the midst of trial. Because I've seen it. I AM seeing it. We hold onto His Hand and His Word for dear life. And that means more to me now than ever.

I do not get it.
But I say HALLELUJAH!

Onward, Little Women.
You are LIVING SACRIFICES.

Therefore, I urge you, sisters, in view of God's mercy

to offer your bodies as living sacrifices...